I’ve told you goodbye. I’ve told you that it’s not going to work out for us. I’ve done the “drama queen” thing. I’ve raged to friends. I’ve wept. It’s been nearly two years. I was always so good at protecting my heart, until you came along. Would I roll the clock back and wish that I’d never found virtual worlds, found you? No. But I’m telling you – this on-again, off-again stuff is making me crazy.
Right from the start I was blinded. People warned me. I said, “Don’t worry. I’m a big girl. I know what I’m doing.” And I went right on. You came along a little more slowly, but soon you were as hot as I was. It was rocky at the start, but then we hit our stride. Every day was exciting. And then. Then. It cooled down. Things just weren’t “happening” for us. Oh sure, we were together every day. But there was no thrill. No joy. No reason to wake up smiling. But we never called it quits. We got lucky. The passion, the excitement, the thrill all came back. You were everything to me – sun, moon, stars, breathing. I thought we were really going to make it. This was IT. We’d beat those virtual relationship odds. We’d be the ones to prove to everyone that it DOES workout.
And then……. it died. Maybe it was my fault. Maybe I expected more from you than you could give. Maybe you were never what I thought you were. This summer I realized that I was wasting my time on you. We weren’t going anywhere together. We were as so many others had been. Done. Used up. Over. So I broke up. I said goodbye. Unfortunately, I only did that logically. My heart still belonged to you. So it was a hard few months.
The last several weeks I’d found a new interest to fill the time that had been filled with you. I have begun slowly to do other things, reach out to different people. Emotionally I had moved on. I was, dare I say it, feeling “free”. Darn you. Darn you darn you darn you. You called me this week. You said “We’ll just meet. No big deal. Really. Just talk.” I can’t say no to you.
We met. Oh my word, the difficulties in arranging a place to meet. Setting the time, getting together. It wasn’t like old times – so much of our usual routine was gone. But….. we were together again. Yes, we slipped right back into the groove. It felt so right. It felt so good. How could I ever think that I didn’t still love you? That I was “free”? Free???? OMG – I would be chained, not free, without you.
/me smiles. You know, don’t you, dear reader? I am talking about my project. My beloved, infuriating collaboration tool project. I demo’d it to someone new this week. I had no hope of anything happening. I was asked to demo, so I would demo. The project is dead. I’ve lost my volunteer team – they’ve all moved on. I have other work I need to do. I found what I thought might be an interesting career path. But…. she liked the demo. She wants us to demo it to a technical group. She wants to discuss it more for the original concept we’d had. I know, I know. Calm down, don’t get excited. But oh the thrill. The joy. While I played the 1 minute video that was shown to 4000 people this past June, other folk from the building walked into the conference room. They stopped talking and watched the screen, rapt. They said something like “How come our stuff is so dull and you get to do all the exciting stuff?”
Yes. You are exciting. You make me come alive. You are my passion. I can turn and try to walk away. But I will always love you. I will always come back to you, given any faint encouragement at all. Even if we never go any further than what we do now – the occasional demo, I count you as my true love. I am grateful, proud and thrilled that you are a part of my life.
And oh world please…… maybe THIS time we will find a home?