Posts Tagged 'friendship'

OOTD20150922

It’s Erev Yom Kippur. This is a holiday I have always loved, despite all the traditional jokes about fasting = suffering. I have always tried to reflect and repent of things I’ve done wrong in the last year. I resolve to do better – and I think of specific behaviors and relationships where there is a lot of room for “better” and what “better” entails. I love the feeling of cleansing my spirit of negativity, hate, anger, cruelty. I try to embrace a positive outlook, a commitment to acting in a way that brings about tikkun olam, not just to the world as a whole, but specifically to the micro world about me. *smile* Because of course, the world DOES revolve about me, right? Oops. Back to reflection and repentance. And a warning to you, dear reader. This post will probably be in the too-long-didn’t-read category. Yom Kippur does that to me. ๐Ÿ™‚

I read a post this year that captured SO MUCH of how I feel about the holiday, and what I’ve tried to do. I don’t think I was ever quite as “obnoxious” as the author (“Eventually I grew into a slightly less earnest, hopefully less obnoxious human, but the rituals of Yom Kippur still held a special place in my heart.“) but I certainly have sent many an email in the last several years asking for forgiveness for any harm or wrong I may have done that person.

This year, however, much like the cited post, I find that I am not quite ready to forgive everybody. Perhaps more accurately, I find that I am not ready to BE forgiven. I have 2 friendships that went on the rocks. In one case, I feel that I am the wronged party. In the other, I have been told that I erred grievously.

I’ll start with my sin. I was visiting friends. At dinner, after having shared a bottle of wine, I told the husband my dumb blonde joke while the wife was away from the table. I’d just done something “dumb”, which reminded me of the joke, and it is a very vaguely off-color joke, and I knew my friend (the wife) wouldn’t like it anyway, so I told it to the husband. I prefaced it by saying “oh let me tell you my dirty joke”. It’s NOT really a dirty joke. The punch-line carries an implication (if you “get it”) that is sexual in nature but it’s NOT dirty. It’s a “dumb blonde” joke. (I’m blonde, by the way. Neither husband nor wife are blonde.) The husband may have laughed, or smiled, I don’t even remember. It was a non-event to me. Jump ahead a week or so. I returned home. I sent the wife (my friend since we were 6 years old) an email telling her how much I enjoyed the visit, thanking her and her husband for such a wonderful wonderful time, telling her more about the stress and craziness in my life (which is why I fled to visit them in the first place). No response. A week later I sent an email wishing the husband a happy birthday. No response. Two days later I received an email from her, addressed to my son, wishing my son a happy birthday. That was it. No other message. I picked up the phone and called. She sounded taken aback to hear my voice. I asked what was wrong, what had happened between us. She told me that she and her husband were offended by the dirty joke I had told (please keep in mind SHE never heard it). That my behavior was inappropriate and out of line. That they did not understand why I would tell such a joke. I must tell you now that NO ONE to whom I have related the joke thinks it’s a “dirty joke”. Everyone ELSE has laughed and said – that’s not a dirty joke. It’s a DUMB BLONDE JOKE. Sigh. I apologized profusely. I explained it was never my intent to offend or insult them. That I’d told him the joke because I’d just done something ‘dumb’ and so was being a ‘dumb blonde’ and told him the joke. She was still cool and cold and repeating that they could not understand why I’d ever tell that kind of joke. We ended the call. Immediately I composed a truly sincere apology email, restating I’d never intended to hurt, offend or otherwise insult them. No reply. About 6 weeks later, next Jewish holiday, I received an email. It said “Apology received. Happy holiday.” Apology “received”. NOT accepted. At that point, still deep in the craziness that was my life at that time, something in me broke. Decades of friendship were tossed aside by her because of one 2 line joke. No allowance for my life was crazy, maybe that was why I told such an “inappropriate” joke. No allowance for a bottle of wine at dinner. No allowance for forgiveness. No, my crime was so heinous that I could not be forgiven.

So it’s Yom Kippur. Tradition says that I must ask 3 times for forgiveness from those whom I have wronged. “The Shulhan Aruch writes that if the victim does not grant forgiveness when the offender first approaches him, the offender should return to him, as many as three times. He then earns atonement even if the victim still refuses to forgive. “ Here’s the problem. I no longer want to be forgiven. I have asked for forgiveness. I’m not even listing all the times I feel she has wronged me in major life events and yet I forgave her and moved on. I am obviously still in disgrace as my birthday came and went and no birthday greeting. I don’t want her forgiveness. But I’m torn here between how I try to live, and how I feel. My coworker (also Jewish) has said that what I need to do is forgive myself.

I think, having written this, that I have reached a decision. I AM sorry that I offended her so deeply that she can’t forgive me. I no longer care if she forgives me. But I think that I will write again today, asking for forgiveness. I will be clean, and perhaps she can begin the process of forgiving me as well.

Because my other Yom Kippur story is about learning to heal once you begin to forgive. (I did warn you this would be a tl;dr.)

I had a friend. I thought we were very very close. We shared many interests. We discussed family, work, relationships. Then he stopped talking to me. No emails, no chats, no nothing. No response when I tried to reach him. (We are not co-located.) I was hurt. Extremely hurt. I did not know what had happened, why he stopped talking to me. Over the course of 18 months, we had email interaction perhaps 4 times, each time when I initiated it because of business with/from mutual friends. His responses were terse, to the point, no indication of any former closeness. I was angry. I was hurt. I was confused. I did a lot of thinking.

I thought about friends to whom perhaps I had done this very behavior myself. I tried to think what I might have done to warrant this reaction. I tried to think of ways to let go of the hurt and blow to my self-esteem so that I could heal and move on. I hurt. And hurt. Finally last Yom Kippur I decided I would send him an email, asking for forgiveness. I spent WEEKS composing that email to make sure it said exactly what it was meant to say, and not an emotion more. It was to clear the slate. If I had indeed done something so egregious, I needed to apologize and be forgiven even if I did not know what I had done. If I had not done anything and it was HIS mishegas, then I would be clear as well. I sent the email. It is a year. I’ve had no response. But I finally began to heal. I can think of him without wincing. Even better – mostly I don’t think about him at all. When I think I might be slipping into worrying and fretting about what I did or didn’t do or WHY???, I am able to take a deep breath and say, I have moved on, that is in the past. I have tried sincerely to make amends. I have forgiven myself for whatever I have done or not done. I have forgiven HIM. I do not know why things happened as they did, but I do not blame him anymore, I have let go of the anger for the hurt. I am healing, because I have forgiven him. “Finally, the Sages also emphasize the importance of granting forgiveness to others. The Rabbis teach that one should not be โ€œcruelโ€ by refusing to grant forgiveness to somebody who offended him. A person who willingly grants forgiveness to others will earn Godโ€™s forgiveness for whatever sins he may have committed.”

To me, this is what Yom Kippur brings. It is my chance to repair the rips and tears in my life. It is my time to let go of anger. It is my time to accept people for who and what they are, and free myself from my expectations of how they should behave. It is my time to clear my slate as best I can and to hope for a better year to come.

An easy fast and Chag Sameach! And to everyone, member of the tribe or not, G’mar Hatimah Tovah (May You Be Sealed for a Good Year in the Book of Life).

Note: quotes on halacha:ยฉ Copyright 2010 Torah Learning Resources.
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OOTD 20150216

Sometimes people just stop liking you. You can’t change it, fix it or even know why. All you can do is let them go, don’t yield to the temptation to reach out. Learn to move on. There’s a lot more that can be said but it all comes down to the same thing: Accept and learn to move on.

Hi There!

Okay, I’m really neglectful. It’s been ages since I posted here. ๐Ÿ˜ฆ I actually started a post Thursday morning and then I had to – GASP!! – work!!!! OMG! How rude can they be???? Expect me to actually do THEIR work instead of MY pleasure? Oh wait – I love my work. Never mind….. *grin*

It’s been a really good week, both RL and SL. I bought my son a car in RL. It was nearly as easy as buying one in SL, but nowhere near as inexpensive. And he’s already run his first EZPass because he forgot his car doesn’t have one. Yet. /me makes note to self. Work is going well – lots of positive conversations and feedback. Lovely RL indulgence on Thursday (none of your business ๐Ÿ™‚ ). Seeing friends.

And in SL – oh wow – seeing friends BIG TIME!!!! I was back at the Crown and Pearl not once but TWICE!!!! OMG – How I have missed that place and those people. I had a hilarious morning with Calli – that’s the post I actually have half-written. ๐Ÿ™‚ It’s coming, I promise. She finds the best toys. I went dancing with another friend at the kind of place and kind of outfit that I simply can’t mention on this blog. ๐Ÿ™‚ Oops. I discovered Midnight Mania boards and got a Red Succubus War Queen outfit. *grin* Yes, there ARE pictures out there. I could NOT resist trying it on. I LOVE it. ๐Ÿ™‚ I’m sure if you offer enough, one of my dear friends will betray me. ๐Ÿ™‚ Make ME an offer. Dale and I went to a great little party. We rode a carriage and danced and chatted and laughed. I should probably post THAT, too. And I got some good work accomplished the last 2 days – built a platform for the latest demo, accessorized it, “acquired” a teleport script to move us from the office to the sky platform (you have to love Google and people who want to share their scripts).

I think, however, that there is a storm cloud on the horizon. I have a strong suspicion that my next-door neighbor wants to buy my property. I logged in this morning to find a “I HAVE to talk to you IM”. And since we don’t ever talk, and since she’s been doing extensive remodelling….. well, that’s what I think. Sigh. You KNOW how bad I am at decisions. And I love my property. Where would I go?

missing_OuraBut right now…. RL is calling – have a brunch to attend. Where the chef is phenomenal and so many good friends will be there. So my blogging must wait yet again. And I MISS Oura, who is away for a few days. So after all my running about yesterday (scripting, Noma concert, CnP, MM boards, buying new hair), I went to Oura’s and relaxed in her chair and missed her.

I’m not sure I’ve mentioned this before – but I really, really, REALLY love my life in SL. *grin*

Cowgirls

all-the-pretty-poniesWe were both having a hectic week. A lot to do, deadlines, not much time. The beauty of living in a virtual world is that it takes no time to commute. We can say – I have 15 minutes now – do you? And if the answer is yes, well, there we are. Together. So we got lucky amid our respective craziness shengri-la-sunsetand I tp’d to see all the possible ponies that you can rez at Shengri La. We each picked a pony and set off for a gallop. We galloped til we both crashed. ๐Ÿ™‚ Hey – it’s like running or working out. Do it til it hurts. No pain, no gain. I love the ponies of Shengri La. Thanks, Shen.

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life-is-good

Thank you

This past week has been a very full week. A bit of an emotional roller-coaster. There were definitely some points in this week that were a bit difficult. Things got better, however, as they usually do when you take a moment to breathe in, relax, breathe out. Many good things began happening, with perhaps the most exciting happening at the very end of the work week. I received some feedback on the work I’ve been doing. *grin* Positive feedback, in case you were wondering. I feel extremely happy and proud. I would even say “validated”.

validationIn my mind, I see a straight progression from the day I first heard about “SL” to the end of this week. The mind is wonderful that way. ๐Ÿ™‚ It can make sense out of anything if it so chooses. I was talking with a friend last night, discussing everything. She made the point that I did the work. Yes, that is true. But in my mind and heart – I could do the work and push forward and stay determined because of my friends. Actually – these people were not my “friend” at the point where they reached out and offered a hand. (They are all my good friends today.) I see many people who could have simply shrugged and said “not MY problem” and ignored me. But they didn’t. Each one of these people made what probably seemed like a simply, easy gesture. But to me, the recipient – the combination of each of those little actions was life-changing.

It is so easy to be kind, to be helpful, to be generous. You can’t always see the consequences of your actions immediately. But it could be a life you are saving.

Perhaps you know this nursery rhyme:
For want of a nail the shoe was lost.
For want of a shoe the horse was lost.
For want of a horse the rider was lost.
For want of a rider the battle was lost.
For want of a battle the kingdom was lost.
And all for the want of a horseshoe nail.

I like the meter, I like the simplicity of the message of that nursery rhyme, but I don’t like that it’s a negative approach. I prefer to phrase things postively.

In response to an email a friendship was born –
Encouragement offered instead of just scorn.
In response to introductions more people were known
Volunteering accepted, a challenge was sown.
In response to distress call an offer was made
A task was completed and yes, “face” WAS saved.
In response to that project a new path was taken
A new life was picked, confidence still unshaken.
And all from the help of my friends.

Ladies’ Day Out at the Fashion Show

I racked up another first yesterday. I attended a fashion show. I’ve never attended one in RL or SL before yesterday. But I got word of a fashion show at Shengri La – Jare Capalini was having a show of his latest creations. So my curiosity was piqued. I decided that I would attend and find out, perhaps, what the world of fashion is all about. But being the natural coward that I am, I decided that I needed friends to keep me company. I still have doubts about my ability to manage the camera, the chats and the surroundings all at the same time. I figured friends would make sure I didn’t miss anything I needed to see. Turns out most of the folks I know had never been to a fashion show before either. So we all tp’d in to the event not having any idea what to expect.

jare-fashions-1We were greeted warmly when we arrived and were encouraged to pick up the shoes (designed by Jare, of course) being offered to the attendees. They are very cute! The stage setting was lovely which by now is exactly what I expect when I visit Shengri La. The bar is quite high there. ๐Ÿ™‚ And Shengri La is wearing its winter weather – snow all around. At first glance it appeared that there might not be enough chairs for all of us. We were five and I only saw 2 empty chairs. But these chairs were cleverly designed by Dale. Once the last chair was filled, another chair rezzed into an open space. The script even displays an arrow to warn you where the next chair will rez. So there were seats aplenty. We tried to stick together on the edge of the crowd.

We settled in and did not have long to wait for the show. I was wondering if there would be VOIP or a running commentary in the local chat. Instead we were all welcomed to the show with a brief introduction and then the models began to walk the runway. From my point of view it appeared that all the models came out on time, no one tripped, things seemed smooth. So kudos to Michele! Now you know that I am totally clueless about fashion. ๐Ÿ™‚ I don’t know the right terms, phrases, techniques. So bear with me while I attempt a description. I apologize in advance if my lack of knowledge in this subject leads me to say something incorrectly or to say something inadvertently insulting.

To my eye, it seemed as if Jare had focused on a winter theme. The colors appeared to be fairly monochromatic – a lot of whites, with some gray. Many of the outfits made me think of snow – light, fluffy. I, of course, kept zooming in on the shoes and boots. Yeah, I know – I have a one-track mind. But that is something I will keep in mind for my next fashion show. ๐Ÿ™‚ I need to get my camera aimed at one good spot on the runway, so that I can snap pictures of the outfits quickly. I missed several shots I would have liked because I am too slow to focus on a moving target – a model attending-the-fashion-showwalking the runway. ๐Ÿ™‚ We were all quite taken with Jare’s original and intriguing creations. I’d seen the pod coat before but the gowns were new. I know I sound so completely newbie and naive but I am so impressed by how inventive builders are in SL. Everytime I see textures and shapes used for clothing and art I am awed at the talent all around in SL.

This show confirmed something that I think I realized awhile ago. For me – SL is about friends. I like seeing what everyone creates and invents and all the possibilities. But I REALLY like hanging out with friends, laughing and talking and sharing stories and having a good time. It was fun to introduce my friends to each other and see everyone get along. After the show we went shopping together at the Vintage Marketplace. We swapped landmarks for buying hair. We made plans to play again. I think we all had a lot of fun. And at the end of the day – that’s why I’m in SL.

Fragments II

I logged in this morning to check on the ducks, see how they were adapting to their new home. Two of them seem to be just fine, but one of them appears to be severely confused. Each time I come back to visit them, that duck is upside down, completely submerged. I have rotated and reset him repeatedly, yet each time I return – Reversal!! (Did you like all that alliteration?) So I have a theory. ๐Ÿ™‚ That duck was born in captivity in the Southern hemisphere. I have transported him to a new life in the Northern hemisphere. But the patterns of his childhood are still too strong and so he drifts back to his Southern orientation. I am hopeful that with time and encouragement and the good example of the other ducks, his behavior can be modified. Of course, that supposes that the duck WANTS to change…. ๐Ÿ™‚ What do you think?

Why do I love SL? Because of friends. As soon as I logged on this morning for duck patrol, I got an IM chessfrom Issa, now recovered from her Rez day celebration. ๐Ÿ™‚ There was a chess game going on at the beach. So after setting my ducks in a row, I tp’d over to check it all out. Apparently I’d already missed the heated contests between MrCHEEEEKY Lundquist and Isabelle Urqhart. Since they both claim to have won, I’m not really sure WHO walked away with the honors. But Aislinn String and Kandi Braveheart were in a ferocious set-to at that moment. If you survey the board, I believe that you will see that Kandi is ahead. I loved the red smoke that trailed the pieces as they moved. I just love SL. What can I say. I am hopelessly addicted to the place.

I really need to post about my land. I’m extremely excited about owning land. It all happened because of an incredibly generous and kind-hearted friend. And I had wonderful friends come over that night and take me in hand and they terraformed my land and took me shopping for a house and gave me all sorts of very-needed and much-appreciated help and advice. I simply don’t know where to begin. And I want to take pics to show you, but I’m always on the wrong computer when I have time to write. ๐Ÿ™‚ Isn’t my life just one major obstacle after another? LOL. I am so fortunate in my friends and family. I love you all.

Speaking of friends…. apparently it was Guy Fawkes night last night in the UK. This is a holiday not much celebrated in the US. So I”m glad that I spend time in The Crown and Pearl where they know how to do GF night correctly. I took nearly 40 pics, so that post is going to have to wait until I sort through them all. I see a massive upload to Flickr in my future……


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