Archive for March, 2015

OOTD 20150308

emotion and logic
.
Sometimes those two can overlap, sometimes they are not even on the same screen. I am watching my mother suffer from medical issues that we cannot seem to alleviate. We have a theory of the cause and the progression. The solution appears beyond our grasp. I received some unexpected health information this past week. The timing was particularly poor. I expected to hear Result A. What I was told was Result B. Result B is what we believe to be the initial impetus for my mother’s condition. I was fatigued and still heavily medicated when I heard the result. Emotion rose up and throttled logic.

I know that just because I have B I may not end up like my mother. Millions of people have Result B and do not have my mother’s other issue. I know that my mother is older than I by several decades. Forewarned is forearmed and a lot can change in 30 years. I know all that. I know my doctors think that Result B is actually MUCH better than Result A because they think they can do something about B.

But.

It is not their parent lying in that bed, suffering. It is not, perhaps, their deepest fear to be trapped in a body that will not work as desired. There are compromises and there is flexibility and there is bowing to the inevitable and there is accepting life’s challenges with grace. I do understand all of that. You needn’t tell me. I KNOW. This is not about knowing. This is about feeling.
meeting of minds
.
.
..

Sometimes Emotion and Logic align. I WILL ensure that I have the right to end my life with dignity when the time comes. That is my line in the sand. I’m not quitting. I’m going to continue to enjoy life and live it. I will catch the sun and sing it. But I will ensure that however, wherever, whenever the time comes – I will go gently into that good night.

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OOTD 20150305

Life is what happens when you are making other plans. Or rather: Death is what happens when you are making other plans. I am watching the truly awful end to my mother’s life. Today I received MRI results that tell me I have started on the same path. I always thought I’d retire to the east coast shore region. Never did I ever think I’d have to move to Vermont or Switzerland.

OOTD 20150303

Saw a great quote the other day. When I searched for the source, there is no one clear-cut source nor phrase. But here’s the version *I* saw and liked:

Anger is like eating poison and expecting the other person to die.

Yay to the “Howard-in-my-head” who taught me that we can hope for behavior from others, but we can’t expect it. Who taught me that “The agenda of anger is pain.” Who taught me to recognize my anger, understand it and let it go.

OOTD 20150302

Want to blame browsers
But KNOW it’s the computer
Work-issued failure.
šŸ˜¦

OOTD 20150301

Living life gracefully is hard.
Dying gracefully is harder.

I watch you suffer.
Despite all your poor choices
This is so cruel.


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