The Unseen Posts

Among the bloggers I read there is another discussion going on about “real” identity versus avatar identity, meeting avatars in “real” life, are you your avatar?  My avatar is not even 4 years old and I think that discussion has been around easily 6 or 7 times in my “life”.   I am Ahuva and Ahuva is me.  I see that Chestnut Rau, one of the very first, if not THE first, bloggers I began to read has come to much the same realization about herself. I am more than just Ahuva and Ahuva gets to be more than I can be in the biological tangible world  (simply consider Ahuva’s clothing choices as a start).   I’ve met many many SL avatars and Plurk avatars in “real” life.  Quite honestly – for me – it’s ALL my real life.   One of my mentors is a biological male and is a drop-dead sexy female avatar.   No, he’s not gay, he’s not gender confused, he’s not a cross-dresser.  He had his own reasons for his avatar.  I interact with him/her.  I have no problem with the picture in my head.  They both coexist because they are both him.  And I always know with which aspect of his personality I am interacting.   Maybe it’s because for me, when I interact, it’s an overall emotional response that drives me, not images.  I don’t know and I don’t care.

Blogging is intensely personal for me.  *grin*  Life is intensely personal for me.  *bigger grin*  But you knew that. What concerns me is not the integration of RL/SL, nor is it the exposure of my SL to my RL. Most people in my RL know Ahuva, or know of Ahuva. Many people in SL know my RL information. Let’s go back to the concept that privacy is dead, that there are no secrets on the internet, that you can run but you really can’t hide.

I want to post about many many topics. I hold back. Why? Am I a coward? No. Or rather – maybe I am. But I’m getting old, folks. I’ve got a son who has reached the age of majority. I’m in what I “lovingly” call the downhill side. It took me a LONG time but finally I have absorbed some lessons. First – the way I feel today, no matter how passionately I feel it, is not necessarily the way I will feel tomorrow. Or maybe I’ll feel that way tomorrow but next year I will have changed my mind. Second – words on the internet live forever. That may not be true, but from all my knowledge – that’s how I see it. Third – We are judged by other people’s perceptions. Their perceptions can impact our lives dramatically. Fourth – words wound. I might be writing what I see as simple truth, or my opinion, but people read my words through their own filter. If they are in a bad mood, perhaps they read my words in anger and therefore hear anger and hate. I don’t want to add more ugliness to the world if I have the opportunity to avoid it. There’s a time and place for constructive criticism and my blog is probably neither.

Which leaves me with my unseen posts. The ones where I talk about the lessons I learn in the workplace: working with others, managing expectations, the effect of good and bad management, the frustration of the current economy. The posts where I talk about being a real person who is aging: becoming the dreaded grown-up I swore I’d never be, realizing what is important in personal and familial relationships, the fear of the future, death of loved ones. The posts where I talk about being a woman: sexuality, love, parenting, sistering, daughtering, the effect of full moons. The posts where I vent the judgmental views of being a person: OMG, who let that person sing? Who let that person write? That has to be the ugliest build I’ve ever seen. That is the stupidest approach to that situation. And all the other posts where I let flow my momentary anger, frustration and fear.

I feel I have learned so very much in the last few years. I owe a good part of that learning to the fact that I freed part of myself into an avatar and then brought that avatar back into me. I want to try to explain to other people what I’ve finally learned about life and love, speaking and not speaking, acting and not acting. But I lack the skill to say what I want to say without getting the lesson bogged down in the personal details of how I learned it.

I’m not afraid of tying my avatar to my RL. I’m afraid of tying myself to the wrong moment in my life. I am evolving, sometimes slowly, sometimes quickly, but I AM changing. Words posted to a blog capture a moment of time in my life to me. But those very same words may stand as my image engraved in stone, stuck fast, all that some other will know of me. I cannot tell in the present tense what I wish to represent me in the future tense.

Or if you’d rather end on a lighter note – I’m afraid of writing under the influence of a full moon. :) Which is when I wrote the first draft of this.

10 Responses to “The Unseen Posts”


  1. 1 Whiskey Day April 11, 2012 at 7:01 pm

    Brilliant post, Ahuva. So well said. Thank you.

  2. 2 ahuva18 April 11, 2012 at 7:13 pm

    @Whiskey Day – thank YOU! your recent posts have caused me to do a lot of thinking -especially “Narcissus”. I’ve been contemplating a response post to that one. *grin* remember “answer songs”? It’s my party and I’ll cry if I want to, answered by “now it’s Judy’s turn to cry”. *grin* there is no question in my mind that my affection for my avatar wrought a major change on my physical appearance. *hugs* thank you for reading and commenting! :)

  3. 3 zolazsun April 12, 2012 at 9:11 am

    YES…very well said :)

  4. 4 jjaquinta April 12, 2012 at 9:41 am

    I’m not sure why people make such a fuss. Back when our social internet interaction was newsnet we frequently had different aspects of ourselves we showed in different groups. How I posted on rec.arts.sf-lovers was very different than how I posed in soc.culture.celtic. The only thing different in Second Life is fidelity. The old adage of there being nothing new under the sun coupled with every generation thinking it’s the first to face their own unique set of problems.
    “Our youth have an insatiable desire for wealth; they have bad manners and atrocious customs regarding dressing and their hair and what garments or shoes they wear.”
    ~Plato

  5. 5 ahuva18 April 12, 2012 at 10:55 am

    @jjaquinta – You ask why people make such a fuss. I think that people make a fuss when they think that someone else is trying to decide for them which aspects of their personality are to be revealed. That also relates to my feeling about posting on certain topics and being concerned that people reading my remarks will think that those comments represent me all of the time and in every situation. I’m not so static, but the published word is taken as “TRUTH”.

    and – *grin* – being an ancient history major with a concentration in ROME – *I* prefer Cicero’s: o tempora o mores. And for nothing new under the sun? Go back to Kohelet (Ecclesiastes). *grin*

    @zolazsun – ty! :)

  6. 6 chestnutrau April 12, 2012 at 11:54 am

    I wonder if WordPress will let me comment now.

    I love this post.

    Still, I am not sure I agree once something is published it is truth. It can be taken as such but as I have learned the hard way I can’t control how people react to my words. Even the most benign post can be taken the wrong way.

    If we only write about safe and easy topics what is the point really? Think of what we would have missed if Ecclesiastes only wrote nice things about his favorite sandals. Not that our blogs are great philosophy for the ages, of course. But I think it is ok to explore ideas and take a stand on something that is meaningful. It is also ok to change our minds. We evolve, we grow. As writers our writing would naturally reflect that, no?

  7. 7 ahuva18 April 12, 2012 at 12:05 pm

    @Chestnut – Thank you for your comment. :) You were one of my first blogger models.

    I think I am more of a coward than Ecclesiastes. Or maybe he wrote under an alt? *grin* You are correct. It is not only ok but VITAL that we explore ideas and take stands. My difficulty comes from finding a way to express myself and my convictions without being bogged down (or is that blogged down?) in my personal details. I do not always see the way clear to expressing myself except via the personal details. When I CAN move from the extremely specific/personal to the general, I do so. I admire the people such as yourself who (1) make that leap into general concept more easily than I and (2) do not shy from using the personal to transmit the message.

    I’ve learned a lot about life, love, sex, aging, death. I WANT to talk about those things. But given that my family, my coworkers, my management all read my posts – I’m not sure that such conversation would be beneficial to our future relationships. I guess that definitively moves me into the “coward” category. :)

    Oh – but I MUST disagree on one point. I’d be VERY interested to hear Ecclesiastes discussing his sandals. *grin*

  8. 8 chestnutrau April 13, 2012 at 11:03 am

    The only thing I really know is myself and using my experience as a jumping off point for writing is how I roll. I am no academic and I don’t know the literature on any of this stuff. Something happens and I ponder it aloud on my blog. Believe me there is a vulnerability in this practice and often I think I am nuts. For sure if my boss and coworkers knew me as Chestnut I would not be as open.

    We can talk about sandals anytime! In fact we should go shopping for some new sandals one day soon.

  9. 9 Cheyenne Palisades May 26, 2012 at 7:26 pm

    Nice, thoughtful post. FYI, transgendered people are not gender-confused. Most of them know just who they are. It’s the other people who are confused — about them.

  10. 10 ahuva18 May 27, 2012 at 8:21 pm

    @Cheyenne – Thank you for visiting and commenting. I know that transgendered people are not gender-confused. My apologies if my writing implied otherwise. I only meant that my friend knew exactly who and what he was and why he made his choice, and that all the labels other people stuck on him had nothing to do with his decisions. As you say – the confusion belonged to the other people.


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